Punishment
by littlefaerielights
Summary: It started out as a punishment for messing up-failing a homework assignment or a test, getting in a fight with my brothers, or forgetting to do something my mother has asked me to do. It was simple at first, just a few things to be punish myself for, things that made sense. Then it got ridiculous. I was just searching for a reason.
1. Stupid Bitch

It started out as a punishment for messing up-failing a homework assignment or a test, getting in a fight with my brothers, or forgetting to do something my mother has asked me to do. It was simple at first, just a few things to be punish myself for, things that made sense. Then it got ridiculous. I was just searching for a reason. It happened when I misplaced something or when I tripped going up the stairs or even when I saw someone else mess up. I would purposely make mistakes so I could have a reason to punish myself. I thought I would be able to stop, but I was stupid. Oh so stupid, you can't control the eating disorder. The eating disorder controls you. Stupid bitch.

But I'm so hungry, it's not fair. It's not fair because no one understands. It's just brushed off as "oh, you're just looking for attention" but I'm not, I'm drowning and I don't know what I look like anymore. I'm fat and disgusting and I don't know how he loves me. He must be ashamed to be seen with me. I'm difficult to be with, I know. There are days when I think I can eat a normal meal, but I'm wrong. Ten minutes later I'm on the bathroom floor crying, the smell of vomit on my breath. Then there's the cutting, so much blood flowing from my thighs. He's the only that knows of course, because he bandages them when the bleeding won't stop and I can't bring myself to care enough to do it myself. I'm slowly killing myself and he's helplessly, hopelessly watching me because no matter what he does, he can't save me. And I hate myself so much for that. I want to get better for him, but I can't do it. I've tried and I can't because deep down, I think I don't want to. I want to be pretty enough for him, I want him to be proud of me.

The cold bathroom tile is more comforting than my empty bed. What little food I forced down from dinner was tearing at my stomach. I walked to the toilet and kneeled over the bowl and just as I was about to stick my fingers down my throat, there was a loud banging on the door. My heart was pounding.

"H-hello?" my voice was shaking.

"Baby, please please please open the door." Harry's voice was quiet and loving and I crawled to the door and leaned against it. "Please, baby. You don't have to do this. Please unlock the door, baby. We can talk about this. Remember? Like we said? Please, baby." He sounded so sad. I reached up and unlocked the door and he opened it very slowly. I was curled up in the corner and wearing a tank top and my underwear with blood still running down my legs. Harry closed the door behind him and picked up and put me in his lap. He stroked my hair. "Oh, Ginny..." he looked so heartbroken. "Are you okay, love?" I looked at him for a couple minutes.

"No," I whispered. "I'm not." Harry nodded.

"I know, baby." He put me down on the floor and walked over to the sink for a washcloth and some gauze take care of my cuts. He ran cold water over the white washcloth and walked over and kneeled before me. "Alright, sweetheart. Stretch out your legs. I'll take care of you."

And he did. He always did.

Harry ran the cold washcloth over my legs and as it touched the deeper cuts, I cringed away. The white cloth was stained red by the time he was done. "I'm sorry I wasn't there after dinner." he whispered. I shook my head.

"Don't. I would've pushed you away anyway." I watched him as he started wrapping my legs.

"Baby, your legs have gotten so small.." he pulled me up and gently lifted my shirt up. He gasped and I've seen him heartbroken and on the verge of tears before, but I don't think I've ever seen him tears actually spring to his eyes. He dropped my shirt and pulled me into his arms a little more harshly than usual and hugged me much more tighter than he's ever hugged me before. I let him because I could feel his tears on the sleeve of my shirt. I hugged him back as tightly as I could, which I knew wasn't tight at all.

"Ginny.." He said quietly and cupped my face in his hands. "You're beautiful, love, you don't need to be doing this to yourself. Okay? I know we've talked about this again and again, but you're literally skin and bones. Your beautiful hair is falling out. Your nails are blue. I found the spit up bags of food hidden all over your room, love. Your teeth are a wreck. You're slowly killing yourself and I can't just sit here and watch. Baby, please let me help you."

I was crying by the time he finished, because he knew that was only the start of what I was doing to myself. I was constantly passing out because of lack of food, I honestly don't remember the last time I got my period. But I don't have to worry about being pregnant because I'm too weak to have sex. I'm too scared to see a Healer because I know that what they'll tell me won't be good and that they'll make me eat. I don't want impatient.

"I don't want to go to the doctor." I whispered.

"I know, baby." He looked sad. "But you might have to."

"Please don't make me.." I could feel the tears filling my eyes I tried to stop them, but I could't and Harry looked more and more broken and it was my fault because all I was doing was getting worse.

"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to, love. I just need you to let me help you, okay? And if we have to go to the doctor, we'll talk about it then, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, Ginny." Harry whispered in my ear. "I love you so much, and I just want to see you healthy and happy."

"I know, Harry." I mumbled. "I love you, too."


	2. Failure

I told him I would try to get better. I've been trying, but it just felt like I was getting worse. I haven't eaten in almost 4 days and even the thought of putting food in my mouth was enough to cause an anxiety attack. The Harry was he was looking at me scared me though. His green eyes were jut so.. _sad. _They didn't sparkle like they used to when he looked at me, they weren't full of pity, for which I was grateful, but he was worried—beyond worried—and he was concerned and I know he loves me, but I can't do this anymore.

I just feel so empty and I want to die. Someone please kill me.

It's just ridiculous because no matter how hard I try I can't get better. I know how hard Harry's trying to help me, but I don't think he understands just how hard this is for me. Like this is the only place I find comfort. I find comfort in my sadness and I don't know what I'd be without it. This is all I know.

The only reason I'm decent at math is because of how obsessed I am with the amount if calories I put in my mouth I am. I'm not proud to say how good I am at lying to my mother about the last time I ate. I've lost so many friends because of this disorder, because of my sick obsession with food. I even invented a charm to help me purge if my fingers won't do the trick. I'm disgusting. But this is all for nothing because I'm still fat. It's sad to think this started with wanting to lose a couple pounds. Then I fell in love with the feeling of an empty stomach, and how when I didn't eat for a couple days, it would start to hurt. So I used that to punish myself. Then it got worse and worse, and now I'm stuck. I can't get out because I'm obsessed and I don't want to get better because this has become the only place where I'm comfortable. I know where I am here, even though I lost myself along the way. I don't know who I am anymore; I just know that I'm a monster that pushed away everyone that loved her. My brothers are scared to be around me because I'm not the sister that they know and love anymore. They don't know how to act around me and it breaks my heart. My mom has to fight me, to the point where we're both crying, for me to even take a bite of food. My dad spends most of his time at work because he doesn't know how to deal with me. I'm breaking apart my family. The only one who really understands is my best friend, but she's not here right now. And Harry wants me to get better, but he doesn't understand how hard that is and I'm terrified he's going to send me to the healers and then I'll get admitted. I'm scared, because I know what I'm doing is destroying my body and I know I need help, but I don't want it. I don't want it because I'm not pretty and Harry deserves a pretty girlfriend.

"Baby?" there was a knock on my bedroom door and I recognized Harry's voice. He'd been so gentle and kind and loving lately, and he's always been sweet and loving. But he's never been so gentle before, he's never treated me like I'm glass and I'm something that could be broken easily. "Can I come in?"

"Mmhm."

He pushed the door open and I saw that he had papers in his hands when he sat on my bed.

"No." I said. "No. You said I wouldn't have to go to the healers, you promised." My voice got higher with each word I spoke. When Harry looked at me, his green eyes were very sad.

"Love, when was the last time you ate?" he whispered. I hate lying to him, but I'm not going to the hospital. I won't do it, I will not be force fed I don't want to gain weight.

I looked him straight in the eye. "This morning."

"What'd you eat?"

"Egg whites and half a banana." Which is half true. I considered eating that for breakfast, but the thought of it made me cry.

"Did you keep it down?"

"Yes." I didn't eat, so I had nothing to throw up. Harry cupped my face in his hands and he looked so dejected. I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, baby." He whispered. "I just don't know what to do. Do you know what you look like?"

I shook my head. He gently removed my hands from my stomach and held them in his hands.

"Baby, you can see your ribs." His voice shook. "They're not barely showing, either. They're really prominent, it's really easy to count them and baby, that's not good." Harry looked at our hands. "I know I can't tell you to just eat something, and I'm not going to because that won't do any good. But you're sick, baby. You're really sick. I know it's hard. But please let me help you because I hate seeing you like this. You're killing yourself. I don't want to lose you."

"I know you want me to get better." I whispered. "But you don't understand, baby, you don't. It is hard, it's so hard when even the though of food makes me cry. How am I going to eat when I can't even think about it without crying? There are so many foods I'm scared to eat. I can't eat anything without knowing how many calories it has in it and the rare times that I do eat, I want to throw it back up. And then I feel guilty about that, so I cut myself. And I hate telling you this because I know it hurts you, because I know that even looking at me breaks your heart. But I can't stop, Harry. I can't because I don't know what I'd be without this. I'm sorry I pushed everyone away and I'm sorry I'm pushing you away and I'm sorry I'm killing myself and destroying my body. I never meant to hurt you like this. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be with someone better, anyone better than me because I'll I've done for the last couple months is hurt you. And I've been lying to all of you and hiding this big part of me for the past two years and you shouldn't have to deal with this anymore, Harry. I wouldn't blame you if you left, I would understand. It's the only thing that makes sense for you to do. I'm not the pretty girlfriend that you deserve." I was crying and Harry pulled me in his lap.

"No, baby. I could never leave you. You need me now more than ever and I love you so much it hurts. Just let me help you, love, because I know you can make it out of this alive. It'll be hard, I know that, I do, but just let me help you, okay? I won't make you go to the hospital."

I sat in his lap and cried, because I knew that was an empty promise. He would make me go to the hospital eventually and a tiny piece of me hated him for that.

"I'm sorry, Ginny." He whispered. "I just want to see you happy and healthy again."

"I know." I hadn't eaten in four days and I wasn't even hungry. I had passed that point of starvation abut I feel like I would pass out if stood up and I knew that would end up with me in the hospital. He was just saying that to get me to try when we both knew I wasn't strong enough to do this on my own. Even with Harry's help, I wouldn't get better. "Harry?"

"Mm?"

"Can you get me some cold water, please?" Harry nodded, kissed my forehead, and left the room. And now my room was quiet, Harry's steady breathing wasn't there to fill the silence anymore and I felt cold. I curled up in the spot where Harry was sitting. I felt horrible for disappointing him and letting him down. And he said he wouldn't leave me, but this will wear on him. I know it will, and I know I'll be ready when he leaves, but that doesn't mean that it won't kill me when it finally happens.

"Baby, are you okay?" Harry ran over to me and picked me up and put me in his lap again and began stroking my hair. "You were screaming and crying, what's wrong, baby?"

"I was thinking about what would happen to me when you left. You say you won't leave, but this will wear on you and you'll get tired of taking care of me and dealing with me and and and… I didn't know I was crying. Or screaming. I'm sorry."

"Ginny…"

"Don't say you won't leave, because you don't know that. And don't say it's okay, because it's not. It's far far from okay and you can't even fix it this time." I grabbed my old stuffed bunny from the floor and turned my back to him. I wiped my eyes and curled into a ball around my bunny and Harry didn't say anything as he rubbed my back. I felt him cringe.

"Oh, baby.."

I sat up and looked him in the eye.

"I'm sorry, love." I whispered and it took a minute for me to decide if I really wanted this distraction for me or if I wanted to see him happy.

I kissed him.

This distraction would be for me.

"Baby, are you sure?"

"Make me forget everything for a little while…"


End file.
